50 Dirty Funny Jokes For Adults That Will Crack Your Ribs

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50 dirty jokes for adults that will make you laugh out loud or can be offensive, however, this list of funny jokes is strictly for adults only so pull off if you are below 18.

Relax your mind and go through it all😉


1. Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.


2. Q: What do you call a ninety-year-old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.


3. Q: What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?
A: They both only change their pads after every third period!


4. Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather….kinky is using the whole chicken.


5. Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.


6. Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.


7. Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boobies


8. Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.


9. Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.



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10. Q: How do they say “fuck you” in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.


 

11. Q: How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?
A: Pull some strings.


12. Q: Why can’t Jesus eat M&M’s?
A: Because he has holes in his hands.


13. Q: What is a crack head’s favourite song?
A: I wanna rock!

14. Q: How do you get retards out of a tree?
A: Wave to them!

15. Q: What do you call a gangbanger behind bars?
A: Anything you want.

16. Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry.


17. Q: How many Sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture.


18. Q: How do you kill a retard?
A: Give him a knife and say “Who’s special?”


19. Q: What do you get when you cross A-Rod with Chris Brown?
A: A cheater, cheater, woman beater.



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20. Q: What is pink, goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet?
A: Bubble Gum.


21. Q: What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25-year-old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.


22. Q: What would happen if you cut off your left side?
A: You would be all right.


23. Q: What is Superman’s greatest weakness?
A: A bucking horse.


24. Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide?
A: He got the gas bill.


25. Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.


26. Q: What is the difference between oooooh and aaaah?
A: About three inches.


27. Q: What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.


28. Q: Name the five great kings that have brought happiness into peoples lives
A: Drinking, Licking. Sucking, fucking and wanking.


29. Q: What’s the difference between onions and prostitutes?
A: I cry when I cut up onions…



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30. Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!


31. Q: What’s the job application to Hooters?
A: They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out.


32. Q: Whats the hardest part of rollerblading?
A: Telling your parents that you are gay.


33. Q: What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
A: Does this taste funny to you?


34. Q: What do you call a retard in a tree with a briefcase?
A: Branch Manager.


35. Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!


36. Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.


37. Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
A: Forget about it.


38. Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?
A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.


39. Q: After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
A: She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”



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40. Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A: He didn’t have any arms.


41. Q: What’s sicker than a pile of dead babies?
A: The one alive in the middle chewing its way out.


42. Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!


43. Q: Why do men like big tits and a tight ass?
A: Because they’ve got big mouths and little dicks.


44. Q: What’s long hard and full of seamen?
A: A submarine


45. Q: Whats long, hard and erects stuff?
A: A Crane!


46. Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.


47. Q: Whats the best thing about an 18-year-old girl in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back she looks 15.


48. Q: What’s strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
A: The back of my hand.


49. Q: What do you call a bookworm who gets eaten by a cannibal?
A: “Reader’s Digest.”


50. Q: Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?
A: Because they have cotton balls.


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